Fox and Broom

A mom's adventures in keeping healthy, keeping her sanity, and making stuff.

Working With Loss

The way that I deal with grief (or any strong emotion) is by writing. This post is one of grief. And deep loss.

I previously posted our news of a new baby. I even made a video slide show. Maybe we were arrogant. I like to think we were simply super excited to have our fourth child. The one we wanted so very much and the one I felt would make my family complete. We lost Baby #4 over the weekend. Well, according to the blood test my midwife had me take, we lost the baby at least a few days before the physical aspects showed themselves.

Logically, I am aware that a miscarriage happens this early (with women who have no known medical issues that may cause miscarriage) due to the cells forming improperly. Most likely the heart or brain at this stage. If the baby had made it to term, he/she would probably have died moments after birth. This knowledge has been somewhat a comfort.

Emotionally. . . As that life was bleeding out, all I could think was, “NO! You need to stay inside and grow!” I felt like I was helplessly watching that little life slip through my fingers. It was horrifying and devastating.

We are healing. I’ve been doing a lot of physical activity to help ease my grief. Running and yard work. My body is aching and exhausted, but not totally unhappy. My kids have all been good about making me laugh. I have looked into symbols to decide on a tattoo for my lost one. I spend a long time deciding on things like tattoos. This one will take me a few months at least.

I have disabled comments. This is not something I really want to discuss. This was something I just needed to write about.

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